Top 10 Reasons Zombies Make the Best Monsters


My family and I return to our annual argument around this time of year: what are the best monsters of all time. Today, in the spirit of the season, I present my case for Zombies. Let’s see if you agree with me.

Counting down, I’ll start with reason #10…

When your mother/partner/child turns on you like a rabid dog and starts to eat you, that’ is scary. When the people you’ are emotionally and physically closest to, who you’ have shared your life with, protected, loved, and helped raise, think nothing of ripping open your abdomen and eating your entrails, that’ is scary. When threats, pleading and/or squealing for your life is futile against your loved ones, who are hell-bent on EATING you, that’ is SCARY.

#9. Cannibalism is DISGUSTING and morbidly fascinating at the same time. Did you read Alive by Piers Paul Read or any of the numerous books about the Donner party? I rest my case.

#8. Zombies are UGLY. Maybe not at first, but give them a couple days in the hot sun and well, dead flesh will rot and it’ is not pretty when it does. Add on festering wounds and untreated injuries, and it’s hard to find residual human cuteness. Maybe those laugh crinkles around the eyes? That shiny white smile? Nope.

#7. Zombies travel in PACKS. You can no’t fool yourself into thinking, oh, there i’s only one or two, I can take them down. ‘Cause, there i’s always more around the corner, and more, and more.

#6. Zombies MOAN, but even worse, when they eat you they make those CHEWING and SWALLOWING noises— while you a’re still alive enough to hear it. Now admit it, that is some major stomach rolling grossness you hadn’’t thought of before.

#5. Zombies have a FIRM GRIP. They a’re just hard to shake off. Once one gets hold of you, he is not letting go. Separate his hand from his body with a machete and that hand, with those vise-like fingers, is still wrapped around your ankle trying to take you down.

#4. Speaking of down, Zombies DON’T STAY DOWN. Shoot ‘em, club ‘em, hack away at ‘em and they just keep getting up with that single-minded purpose of chowing on your flesh. Yeah, I know you ha’ve read and seen the movies, and you know if you shoot one in the head, then he i’s down for the count, but here i’s a thought: he was dead before you shot him in the head, and now, afterward, he i’s supposed to be REALLY dead? Just saying.

#3. Zombies DON’T SLEEP. Sorry, but this is a major advantage. You have to sleep some time. You do n’ot need to sleep well, but you have this living cell thing going on which requires at least some sleep on a semi-regular basis. It bears repeating, Zombies don’’t need to sleep and you do.

#2. Zombieism (spelling?) is CATCHING. Transmittable, contagious, infectious, however you want to say it, but it i’s easy to become a zombie: one little bite.

And the #1 reason Zombies make the best monsters is….

SMART PEOPLE SURVIVE. You betcha! Ultimately, it’s a waiting game in the war between humans and zombies. Time, the environment, and a million bacteria are on our side— in a few months, a year at most, those zombies will do what every corpse on earth eventually does: DECOMPOSE. All you have to do is stay alive until then. Good luck to you all.

Next time we can address which Zombies are scarier, your traditional slow-moving, foot-dragging, dazed zombies or the ones who can sprint.

Photo © Chrisharvey